i feel kind of lost in a haze, like i'm not really here, just watching through my own eyes. i'm a pro at being numb when things are hard. i find myself realizing just how distant i feel in the mundane things going on around me, like buying lunch, or driving even. how long it takes to walk somewhere or how did i manage to waste so much time? time just keeps slipping out from under me, and it's gone. i can't get yesterday back.
i feel like i've lost 2 very important people to me despite them not actually being gone. i feel lonely for companionship from the ones who know me inside out and just get me. don't get me wrong, i love my friends, but very few of them share that kind of vital connection i find so rare and beautiful in others. it seems i've found someone new i can share this with, and i'm enjoying it, but i'm apprehensive because i don't want to mess it up with feelings and expectations. and i miss my tried and true blue best friends. i'm realizing there are perhaps a handful of people of whom i can say i have the privilege of knowing. people who challenge me and push me to be the wonderful creative being God made me to be, and the people who share the same curiosity and passion for trying to understand the world and God and life. i find myself craving those connections, thirsty for spending time with those people. it's like they breathe some sort of life into me, or at least allow me to stretch out and breathe a sigh of relief.
so here we are. not sure how to make sense of everything going on lately. everything is so jumbled and confusing right now that i'm just sort of waiting for the dust to settle and start piecing things back together.