the past few months or so have been kind of difficult. i've been feeling really overwhelmed with the trivialities of life (work, family, friends, etc.), but i've run into this pattern of just letting things wash over me and holding out for the end of it and the beginning of a new season. because there's really nothing else you can do. i find i have less energy for fighting or struggling for what i want. i just don't care anymore. I've settled into my 20-something apathy and i'm fine with it. most of the time.
but then i start realizing the things that i want to be doing, and the person i want to be, and it feels so impossibly far from where i am now. i feel like a fake, half the time. i'm faking myself. i feel half alive. sometimes not at all. like i'm watching a movie of my life as it happens. it's a pretty boring movie, with some occasional hilarity. mostly boring though. very little plot or excitement. this is nothing new though. this has been going on for years.
change hurts. it almost physically pains me to try. to make an effort. i've been trying to be more open and friendly. i recently discovered that most people's first impressions of me are that i hate them. i didn't see that coming. and it's ironic because i really don't hate anyone, and i'm actually (as far as i know) a pretty nice and decent person.
and lately the only thing i really want more than anything is to be loved. i want a relationship. i'm tired of feeling embarrassed about this. i'm aware i have a lot of walls up. i know. i know i don't make it easy to let anyone in. i know i'm quirky and quiet and that's unnerving to some people. i know i have high standards. i know what i need and what i want. and truthfully, in an awkward and totally backwards way, i almost have it. and it's good. it could be just what i've wanted. it could be a lot more, but i run the risk, every day, of screwing it up. so do you let it be something good? or do you gamble for something great and possibly lose it all? i'm not a gambling girl. i take so little part in my own life, that trying to take the reins on this is terrifying. so i'm waiting. i'm good at waiting. an expert, in fact.
i was cleaning my room last week and i found some old church notes from flood. it was from a sermon on James 3. I wrote:
"God can turn around the negative words we've allowed to shape us.
worthless --> beloved
ugly --> beautiful
lonely --> accepted
depressed --> joyful"
and i thought about how much less power those negative words have over my life. God's been working and i didn't even notice. i see more and more of those good words in my life lately. and when things start to slip, its easier to come back, resting in the truth of my belovedness.